Come and Listen

Lesson Learned

2009-07-01T18:14:00.001-07:00

I was made to be a lover, a lover of beauty, and people, which in my opinion, are one in the same, but ultimately, a lover of God. This seems to be a trinity of sorts for me, each intimately intertwined with the other, when broken down to the basics of each. Beauty is of God, people are beautiful, people are made in Gods image, love people, and you are loving God. I find it easy to love people on the surface, I have no trouble showing my love through service, or gifts, encouragement or which ever avenue i think will speak the loudest to the one i am trying to communicate with. I have no trouble reveling in beautiful things, the sound of tall grass blowing in the wind, or running my fingers over stones smooth and cold, a bow against the strings, or the electric connection of a kiss. I have no trouble with the idea of loving God, but when it comes down to it , what I was created to do, love, love God, requires more than all of me, a constant out pouring of myself, perpetual self denial and death, with out expecting anything in return. Christ. When it comes down to really loving people, to put it simply, I'm really bad at it. When I try to muster beauty from with in myself, I produce a mere sad imitation of what real beauty is.
I have always struggled with a sense of entitlement, and a mind set of self preservation, (which is such a contrast to what the Spirit evokes in me, the Spirit tells me to pour out, my flesh tells me to hoard) but who am I to dam the flood gates of Gods love, and grace for His people when I was made to be the conduit. Who am I to try and "guard my heart" against the pain, the severity of authentic love, love that asks for nothing in return and pours itself out like a drink offering. Thats what I was made for, that is Christ in me, this is my burden and my cross. I would like to say that I bear it willingly, but when Im honest with myself, I don't.
I find that I often rebel the most against the call or mission God has for my life, my purpose because I am too afraid of the reality that it is not of myself and that I, in the end, will get no recognition for it. (But at the same time I have so much joy at the thought of glorifying God in my love for others and being transparent in that...) I struggle with the idea that there is nothing I can do to earn salvation, there has to be some sort of transaction, everything I've ever had I've had to work my ass off for. I selfishly give my poor imitation of love to God and to people in hopes of getting some sort of recognition or safety, love in return. Love keeps going even when it gets screwed over, again and again and again. It doesn't make sense. Grass grows everywhere, it endures.
This contrast of the finite and eternal, who and what I was made to be and do, who I truly am, and who I have made myself to be is so drastic. I long for the day when I extend love freely and seek nothing in return but the sound of my fathers voice singing over me. I want to love God through loving people, because thats what he's called me to do, in what ever way possible, no matter what, in every situation, try to love, really love, people. That requires vulnerability. That requires trust, that is the opposite of my humanity, my tendency towards self preservation and protection, but really, its not that I need to trust people necessarily, but ultimately, God. Trust that even though I feel like I am constantly pouring myself out, constantly exposing my soul, constantly trying to give, to connect, to love and I see no fruits, no gratification, no reciprocation, my labor in not in vain. Eternal success can not be gauged with our finite eyes.
When we get screwed over by people that we are bending over backwards for, our efforts are not nul and void just because they are taken advantage of. Working (well, more like observing the work of those involved with Light Gives heat ) in Uganda and in youth ministry, has taught me this, despite what seems like a lack of "success" , or "progress" in those you are trying to love, the out pouring of love is what matters, the consistent out pouring of the fruits of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self control; forgiveness, mercy, grace, endurance is what brings glory to God, and thats what I want for my life. There is a quote from one of my favorite books, which I don't have with me and Im going to try my best to explain but probably wont do it justice, about art, about an image, lets say a painting of Jesus on wood. We see the image of Jesus, we see that the paint and the wood make up the image but we ascribe nothing to the paint and the wood itself, all we see is the image as a whole, we say it is beautiful. Love is like that.
The toil of loving people is the paint, the pain in loving people is the wood, but in the end its not about either, its about the image as a whole that is conveyed, in the end all that matters is that love is conveyed. This thought brings me back to my earlier image of the trinity of people beauty and God. They are one in the same, I boldly say that you cant love one with out loving the others. This inspires me, and is what spurs me on to endure, to love boldly and painfully, its really got nothing to do with me anyway. When I look at like this, I can exhale and inhale and be free, because this is what I was made for and I am fulfilled.

excerpt.

2009-05-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

Today I tied all of the tiny things
your strong hands once had placed into mine,
to red balloons, bright and happy against the sky
and the smoke twirling from my cigarette.
my fingers rejoiced and trebbled while they feebly
tied nots to precious sticks and twigs, rocks and toys from
when you were just a boy.
I remember the night you came back for me, and
i had them strewn about the living room floor. you
collapsed into my out stretched arms, you had never seen
this little box of treasures before, though i had mentioned it
once, or maybe twice, or twenty times.
The wind took your trinkets and their cherry colored
chariots to the skies.
I was worried that the jacobs ladder,
wooden and heavy, wouldnt take flight
but it did.
We were children then, dreamers, wide eyed and giddy.
We are supposed to be grown now.
I am still wide eyed.
My hopes are that your letters will seem fitting
to a mother bird to line her nest with your words,
so dear to me when I was a child.

2009-04-26T23:38:00.001-07:00

it is so interesting to me that we are both eternal and finite.
God is in us but we are human.
We must die to be with God.
we forfiet the finite, so that the eternal will be.
weird.

"You've got a heart on fire,
it's bursting with desires.
You've got a heart filled with passion.
Will you let it burn for hate or compassion."

grapes: st pauls cathedral.

2009-04-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

I wonder whats happened
to the grape vine bracelet
I made earlier this night.
Those grapes were the deepest
plum color and tasted tart.
i never knew how beautiful
the vine is, once the grapes have been plucked,
thats why i made a bracelet.
I suppose its been crushed
by now, my bracelet,
under someone's clumsy foot.
It would have browned anyway,
been lost in a purse or pocket,
crumbled.
It was delicate.
She is delicate, im sure.
Much like I am,
much like my bracelet is, or was.
Though, I do not know her well.
No, not yet.
She liked my grape vine bracelet.
i liked that she noticed my hands
feebly binding the vines together.
Small hands, small vines, big blue eyes.
love binds us like grapes on the vine.
black beans are great for baking.
my hair looks good
when the window is rolled down,
and I am looking away.
the rich in wealth seek the rich,
and the poor tend to smell funny.
I like very pale beer.
He forgot the key to his bike
while delivering low fat
baked goods.
He doesn't know what to make of me.
My expensive pants look great on him.
He leaves his shit at my house, in my head.
I choose to think about the weather instead.
She asks me about africans.
I feel sick.
The key works in the door
for the first time in weeks,
my thighs burn from climbing three flights.
She is happy for the first time in a long time.
I remind her that sometimes
sadness is good for growing.
we are trees, watered by our tears.
we grow.
love binds us like grapes on the vine.
Her long hair is on his mind,
He thinks about the weather instead.
She is climbing mountains,
for the first time.
love binds us like grapes on the vine.

Long overdue.

2009-04-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

My feet are finally back on the cold hard city ground, its been months since that red stain has lifted.
Chicago. Africa.
Wenwangei.
We are One.

more to come soon.

"You surround me, your pretty, but youre all I can see"

2008-11-29T23:31:00.000-08:00

Do You Realize
that you have
the most beautiful face?

"And instead of saying all of your goodbyes,
let them knowYou realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by
the world spinning round""

Togende Na Weai (I am not afraid)

2008-11-25T05:18:00.000-08:00

"I want to skip like a stone from a stronger arm
Each one I throw is moving somewhere
Oh, let me go
I will go out, out, out, out
Past these yellow ropes
I am not afraid"

For the last week or so, since I told Nora that I would be leaving soon, she has said to me, "Togenda Na Weai" (Let's go together). Leaving the village has gotten harder and harder, seeing her stick her thumb in her little mouth and walk away, head bent, makes me so sad. Nora isnt really affiliated with SUUBI, shes an orphan, living in Danita with her JaJa (grandmother), but since the SUUBI women meet and sell the necklaces IN Danita, I got to meet this beautiful little girl. Thats one of the things I love about what LGH is doing in Uganda. We are infected with their hope, that of the SUUBI ladies, and the community around them, and Molly says we infect them with our love. So for those of you who are curious about what SUUBI does here, it goes so much farther than just buying necklaces. We are able to start building the community around this place, the red dirt becomes a part of us, just like the laughter of the mommas at the meetings and the smell of g-nut sauce and charcoal stoves. We are making connections that will last into eternity, seeing God reveal Himself through His people.

Today I finally got to say to Nora, "Lets go together".
She ran to her home, and put on what seemed to be her best little dress (must have been handed down and down and down) and scrubbed her feet. Sieeda did the same and so did Christine (Nora's little sister).
We walked all the way back to the house, about a mile i think. Not once did any of them complain about the heat or the distance, I kept thinking to myself, "American kids could never ever do this..."
We stopped and bought some Mirinda, my favorite pop here, (for those of you from Michigan, its similar to the taste of Faygo Red Pop but a gazillion times better)and the girls opened the bottle tops with their teeth.My mom would kill me if I even tried to do that.(blah blah blah 30,000 dollars worth of braces and surgery blah blah blah...wow that makes me seem like I had terrible teeth,I didn't...)
We got to the house and I gave them the grand tour, showed them how to flush a toilet. (Nora was AMAZED) They all insisted on peeing in the toilet, one after the other hahahah, and then watching the toilet flush. Every time it flushed they would let out an African, "Eh!" and their eyes would get all big.
I showed them the freezer, which brought on another round of "Eh!"'s. At one point, I touched the ice in the freezer and it stuck to my finger and Nora and Sieeda started yelling, "No No No!" haha they had no idea what it was, and they were terrified of it.
We drew some pictures, played some soccer in the front yard, danced like maniacs, and ate some beans.
I love beans.
They are so delicious.
We had so much fun.

I took them back on a piki, all four of us and the driver, so five people total on one motorcycle. As we were driving up the hill to Danita, I could see all the beautiful trees with their purple blossoms and the big blue sky, open and full above me; the contrast between the dark color of their little hands in mine below. I was so full of love, I absolutely adore them. For a moment I was so afraid.

Loving is scary.

This is a lesson I have been learning for these last three months, in more ways than one and, actually, I feel like I have been learning it my whole life. There is so much I want to say to you.
I wish I could explain myself better, but as you know, these little symbols that represent words, that are supposed to represent thoughts and feelings, they often fall so short. I keep reminding myself, in time.

When we love, we give.
We become vulnerable, the other person/people have the power to accept or deny the love that you are extending. It is so funny to me that a little nine year old African girl has a piece of my heart in her hands, this little one has the power to accept or deny me, my love for her.

When I stare into this computer screen at those words, immediately I think of Christ. I am reminded of His love for me. For so long I have wondered, "Why!?" why does He love me so much, I understand that God IS love, and all He does IS love but why me? What have I done?
Nothing.
That's the beauty in it, we've done nothing.
Nora didn't really DO anything to make me love her so much, she was just herself, and I was so drawn to her, for no particular reason really.

That's scary.

The idea that we can grow to love someone so much, a " perfect stranger" even, or someone who doesn't even speak the same language, or is 40 years older than you, to have such a deep deep love for them, a need to give of ourselves to that person, protect, care for, encourage, walk with and pray for that person, we consider that person "ours" even, I say, "MY Nora" or "MY love", "MY friend", for no reason other than because that person IS that person, if they TRIED to make us love them, it would all be ruined.

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, LOVE EACH OTHER DEEPLY, because love covers a multitude of sins.

There's nothing I could do to make God love me more.
The love of Christ, the love he asks us to give other people.
Its so elementary but I JUST grasped it.
I think.

That's scary.
I am completely powerless in this situation.
I have no control.
But there is freedom in this.
And I am not afraid.

"I want to skip like a stone from a stronger arm
Each one I throw is moving somewhere
Oh, let me go
I will go out, out, out, out
Past these yellow ropes
I am not afraid"

Market madness

2008-11-24T05:26:00.000-08:00

So this morning was probably the most intense day of my life. Ok, just kidding, it wasn't but it's up there for sure. I woke (well, Amberly and I) woke up at around seven, ate some pb&j, took some tea, and headed to central market to buy the clothes that we plan on handing out in Danita on Saturday. (which I am unbelievably excited about!)
The market is crazy any day, but on Mondays, the trucks arrive with all the new clothes and shoes and things, donations from the states I'm guessing. Since this morning was one of those days, the market was a frenzy. People everywhere.
If you are worried about shopping this Friday, Ive got you beat, shopping malls are nothing like what I experienced today, its really survival of the swiftest, and most crafty of bargain shoppers.
I was getting so frustrated.
Here I was, this tiny little white girl in this sea of black women, who knew the ropes when it comes to grabbing and bartering, I was up against the pros.
So, I shouted to the lady running the mad house that I was willing to buy 100 articles of clothes.
Things got a little easier but not by much.
Luckily, Molly and Daisy (suubi ladies, check them out in the new boxes!) showed up right in time to make sure we weren't getting ripped off hah. Amber and I had to stay back while the two of them went for good deals, if vendors saw us with them the price would shoot up a few thousand.
We ended up spending three hours running around the market, buying a total of about 350 articles of clothes. (thank you so much to everyone that helped out with the cost! We totally met our goal!)
I also found the sweetest killer wale t-shirt for 1000 shillings (about 75 cents).
We had so much fun at the market that I asked Molly if I could come and visit her home in Walukaba after lunch.
I forgot to eat lunch and ended up just taking a shower.
I had no idea how to get to Mollys house, other than I knew that it was by Santa's in Walkukaba west to I just hopped on a piki and we went hah.
I am going to miss pikis.
They are the most convenient and useful mode of transportation.
Luckily, when we got to about the area I knew she lived,I could hear the two of them laughing and just followed their voices.
I was greeted with those HUGE African smiles and hugs and sat down in Molly's little home. She told me all about her childhood, how her father taught her how to tailor clothes and how she came to Jinja. (She was originally from Kitgum but her and her family fled during the "complications" )She has seven children, I think, and her husband left her last year. These ladies are so wonderful and crazy.
Daisy was telling me about how she used to live in Jinja, but someone just broke into her house and claimed it as their own and she had to leave. Dang.
So now she has to live in "this silly silly place" a ways away from Jinja and Danita.

It's so crazy to me that this has been my life for the last three months.
I leave in six days and I'm not sure if I'm ready to.

"We're as happy, happy, happy as a fish swim, swimming in the water"
-Molly.

Random.

2008-11-10T00:12:00.000-08:00

If you take the main dirt road in Danita, the road with the Macedonian Child Outreach Project sign, the road my little Nora lives on, it will take you to the little road the Suubi building is on. If you walk past the building and take a left at the fork and past the rows of tall banana trees, you will most likely see Nikoleena and one of her ten children.
I really like walking to Nikoleena’s because of the tall banana trees; it reminds me of when I was a little girl living in New Orleans.
I felt so exotic when I would play in those trees in my back yard. I used to pretend the leaves were elephant’s ears, or boats, looking back, neither one of those makes sense to me, but at the time, they fit perfectly.
Sometimes it makes me want to cry, when I think about my adventures in my backyard, when I was a child. My dreams were unlimited; I knew nothing of distance, language barriers, currency exchange rates, diseases, corrupt governments, daunting statistics, rebel armies, heart break. All I knew was that I needed to be free, but then again, I had no idea what it meant to be free.

Yesterday I was sitting in Betty’s (Betty in Suubi, not Betty our house keeper) little home, Mary, her daughter was on my lap, amusing herself by devouring the bananas she managed to steal out of my bag. Her laugh brings me so much joy, maybe because I know her story, of abandonment, forgiveness, love. Mary isn’t Betty’s daughter. Betty’s husband got another woman pregnant, the woman abandoned Mary, Betty took her in as her own. I was asking her some questions needed for the new Suubi website, you know, how long has she been married, where is she from, how many children does she have etc. We got on the subject of the North, the war, what she’s been through.
Her son, Junior, told me about how the rebels would pad lock peoples lips shut, cut their arms off and boil them only to force them to eat their own flesh. He told me about how they would beat and rape women and force them to carry all of their things for miles, heavy heavy things, and if you could not carry them, you would be shot. I have sort of become desensitized to stories like these; unfortunately, most of our women in Suubi have seen and been through the same thing.

One of the questions I had to ask her was how Suubi has brought her and her family hope. Her response was, “I can now live free.”

Freedom.

“Freedom is love with out condition, with out a beginning or an end.”
-Five Iron Frenzy

I still don’t really know what it means to be free.
I am still a child.
I am still playing below the tall banana trees.

You know, I’ve truly learned so much here, but I couldn’t really tell you a thing.
I can only imagine how awkward it will be when my dear dear friends ask me with excitement to tell me about Africa, it’s simply unexplainable. I do hope no one will be let down when all I can really do in response is look into my coffee cup and say something vague.

“It was amazing” or something along the lines of that, or perhaps, “Beautiful”.

I can’t remember who I was before I left.
I mean, I was me, but not me, it’s weird, and sort of freaks me out sometimes.
I look into the mirror and I’m wondering who the hell this person is, looking back at me, who is she, this girl?
I always thought I would be taller.
I guess that’s normal for girls my age, but for some reason I feel like it’s different in my case, don’t ask me to tell you why I think that, I don’t know.

This place has changed me.
God has changed me.
These women have changed me.
This huge blue sky has changed me.

Maybe I haven’t really CHANGED, perhaps I’m just closer to who I am supposed to be, who He made me to be.
Maybe I’m closer to being free.

There’s something spiritual about riding on the back of a piki.
It sounds so silly, I know, I know.
But honestly, I feel so close to Jesus, when I’m on my way to the village, and the wind is running it’s fingers through my hair, and my little eyes are overwhelmed with the beauty that surrounds me.

I feel so close to Jesus when Nora runs to me from her house on the road to Danita.
I don’t really know what I’m writing about anymore.
I don’t really know where this blog is going, which will frustrate me, that there wont really be resolution to this.

God has smashed my view of everything here.
What it means to be a Christian.
What it means to be a woman.
What it means to be a human.
What it mean to have hope, to be free.
What it means to love.

In a lot of my other blogs on this thing, I talk about wanting to learn what it means to love. I’m not about to say “Aha! I have learned it!” by no means, but I have come closer to what love is, Christ.

See, I have no direction to this blog.
No direction and no resolution, I started out so good with the whole banana trees bit!
Oh dear, my brain is mush.

I can’t believe I only have 20 days left here.
It has gone by so fast.
There is so much to say yet such a lack for words.
But then again, Id rather show you than tell you.
Action and truth vs. simple words.

Clothes.

2008-10-18T02:44:00.000-07:00

i had this whole blog typed out, and then it wouldn't load last night, so ill just keep this short.
most of the kids in the village I spend a lot of time in are wearing rags.
It's ridiculous.
The bible says I need to put clothes on them, and that's what I'm going to try to do.
Ill need about 200-300 dollars to clothe about 200-300 kids.
If you think you can help, let me know.
leave a message on here or email me.

kirston1191@yahoo.com

thanks so much.
i love and miss everyone so much.
I promise Ill have a decent blog up as soon as I can.

I never know what to say.....

2008-10-12T02:42:00.000-07:00

I havent written in a while because I'm still really taking everything in, I haven't gotten to really digest anything yet, and Im sure that it will take a very long time for me to even begin to understand what my little eyes are seeing, so please be patient with me.

I'm trying to write a blog and i feel so frustrated because I cant quite explain myself the way I want to.
I wanted to talk about the heights and the depths and contrast, life and death, and how the bible says that Christ's love for us reaches to the heavens and is deeper than the sea, how it covers all.
I can't seem to quite put words to how I feel here.
I cant even really understand how I feel here.
I know I am learning something monumental, I just feel like I haven't really learned it yet, so how can I tell people all about it when I don't even understand it?
I want to talk about how things seem so hopeless here, but the depravity that is so obvious, to me, it just seems like an opportunity for God's love to be rained down, to restore, to "fix" it.
The fact that things are so bad, it makes heaven seem so right, and I know it's not like God is this egotistical crazy man, allowing things to go terribly awry just to make himself look better, and more loving when he does "fix" it. I know it's because He wants Us to bring heaven down, and not just wait for it all to be over, that's what Christ did, He brought heaven here, made it able to be had while we are still in this life, and that's what I want to be able to do, and to be frank, I'm just not sure how to do it.
So I guess I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing with out a plan, I'm just going to keep playing with the children, keep talking with the women, keep visiting the hospital and seeing the children that are so sick, even though I hate it, because thats what the bible says to do, look after the widows and orphans, do what ever it takes to love them. My mom keeps asking, "what are you doing what are you doing" and I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to love...that's it, and if something is going to allow me to love, then I will do it, if that's letting the kids in Danita get my hair all dirty then that's what I'm here for, if it means sitting in the Suubi meetings on Sundays getting all hot and annoyed, then that's what I want to be doing.

"If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor, dear Father, I will see you there, on distant shores."

walking on water

2008-09-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

Today I found myself in the middle of a crowded Ugandan marketplace, in the pouring rain. I put my hands strait up in the air and just felt the rain, worshiped and adored my gracious God who has brought me into this wonderful and awful place. I clumsily dodged puddles and slipped around feeling the mud in-between my toes (in regards to that, it seems like no matter how hard I scrub my feet, this red dirt will not lift its stain!). There is something that is awakened inside of me when it rains, I feel like a child again, and those puddles I was dodging, at any moment I was ready to jump into them. I turned to Betty and told her how I had dreamed of this day since I was young, and she laughed and said, “Auntie, why? It is raining.” We ducked in under a metal covering and sat on some dry wood, Betty took Kimby off of her back to let him nurse and I asked her to tell me about the North, and about when she was a child.
“Life was not so good then auntie” she said, “things were not so good.”
Betty had seven brothers and sisters, and they would have to run to the hospitals at night to avoid being taken by the rebels at night. She told me first hand the stories that I had read about, people being raped and murdered, young men being forced to murder and rape their family members and other just heinous acts of human rights violations. She lived in constant fear. I couldn’t imagine such a lifestyle. Her father was an accountant, and the rebels came and burned their house down and they lost everything. After a second time when the rebels came, they were killing people in her village, so she escaped and ran for her life, thinking the rest of her family was murdered.
The rain cleared up a bit so we made our way into a little shop filled to the ceilings with fabrics of every kind. Betty helped me pick out two or so pieces and we waited for the rain to stop again. We stopped into a pharmacy to get some anti- worm medication for Kimby, because, “Kimby is so silly, auntie, he likes to eat dirt”. Betty says everything with a brilliant smile, even “Kimby likes to eat dirt”. Betty is made of diamonds; she shines in every aspect of the word
Last night I sat with her outside of her room, and she invited me in, and handed me a plate of beans and posho (I have gained an insatiable appetite for beans while I have been here, I seriously can’t eat enough of them , posho is pretty much flour and water, it has absolutely no taste or nutritional value hah.) We talked about a few things and I noticed there was writing on her walls. I asked her what it was and she said it was silly things she wrote on the wall when she was tired. I took a closer look to see that they were prayers. She read them to me and I was brought almost to tears at the childlike simplicity and desperation.
“Lord, help me to believe in you.”

The bible says that faith is when you believe in something you can not see. The Jews had faith that the God that delivered them out of Egypt would come in
the form of the Messiah; even though they had no idea how or when. When Jesus feed the 5000 he had faith the God would provide food for them, even though all he saw in front of him was a few loaves of bread and some fish. We can’t SEE the holy spirit, but we have faith that He is here. I believe that an end to poverty is possible, but I certainly don’t have the statistics or facts to back that up, or even a plan, although, I do have faith in a loving God who will open the door when we knock and will give us bread when we humbly ask for it.
One thing I have discovered while I have been here is that faith, and imagination and creativity, they are all one in the same. To have faith is to believe in the unseen; to have an imagination is to “see” what is unseen and to create something is to bring life to something that is unseen, to make the unseen visible.
When Dave started Suubi, he had faith to believe that an unseen God hears the cry of the afflicted, and had the imagination of a child, that a way could be made for these women even though there was no “proof” that Suubi would work. Creativity gave birth to Light Gives Heat, and made what was unseen, visible. The stories of these women and their faith in the living God are now seen and heard because of faith, imagination and creativity.
The fact that a group of 60 or so Ugandan women are making a living off of rolling paper into beads, in our day of economic uncertainty is as unimaginable as Peter walking on water.

“But as Christians, we may choose to live by most glorious impossibilities .Or not to live, which is why in the churches, by and large, the impossibilities, the Annunciation and Transfiguration and walkings on water and raisings from the dead, are ignored or glossed over.”
-Madeleine L’Engle

A few days ago John, Julie, Melissa and I visited Rachel ( a Suubi woman) and baby John in the hospital. Rachel at one point had triplets, but a few weeks ago lost one of the boys, Abram. Now John was in the hospital. We walked into the ward and I was overcome with emotions, anger, compassion, sympathy, devastation. Some of the children I saw were so small, so sick and frail and helpless, their mothers looked almost as helpless. One in particular was an older boy, about 12, we guessed. His arms were smaller than, to be honest I don’t know what they were smaller than, but I do know that they were significantly smaller than they should be. He had a massive pot belly, (which I’m not sure exactly the cause of it is, something along the lines of gasses and stomach acids eating away the insides of the stomach because they haven’t eaten in so long) and his eyes were sunk into his head. There was no one there with him beside his bed as he was cried out for his mother, so Melissa bent down next to him and held his hand, she spoke softly to him and he just laid there, I’m sure just listening to her voice and not having the energy to respond. It is sad that some adults we have lost their imagination so much that the possibility of feeding our children becomes fictional, and watching them waste away becomes reality.

The next day we resolved that we would feed the hospital, or as much as it as we could. About 15 dollars bought an awful lot of mandaze and bananas. As we walked up to the entrance of the hospital, I saw a woman on a blanket holding a larger child. I craned my neck to see the child’s face. He had tubes running in his nose and in his mouth; he was making the most horrible noise. His breathing was so labored. It was obvious that he was mentally and physically handicapped. I immediately thought back to the scriptures, where in Jesus’ name the disciples healed people of all their infirmities. I wondered if I had the faith, the imagination to believe that God could creatively heal that child, through the hands of a white nineteen year old girl from who knows where, America. I imagined that boy getting up and wiping the porridge off of his face, and helping his mother fold up the blanket and leaving, but I did nothing about it, I didn’t give birth to it, the glory that could have been was left unseen.
Sometimes I think that the worst thing that Satan could take away from us is our imagination or cause us to waste an opportunity to creatively reveal the impossible. I presume that when a photographer sees the perfect shot and realizes his camera is dead, he feels the same way I feel now, looking back at that situation.

Fortunately, we were able to feed two whole wards of the hospital, and spend some time with Rachel and baby John. While we were waiting for the doctor to finish his rounds in the second room, John and I read the posters on the walls. One poster totally caught us off guard, a warning against sexual abuse. Despite the poster being incredibly graphic, showing a man pulling his pants off, while a little girl screamed underneath him, the fact that something that obvious needed to be highlighted threw us for a loop. I did a little more research and asked George, our night guard about it, and he said that it’s fairly common here. Again, It is sad that some adults have lost their imagination enough so that the idea of a little girl being safe and protected is fictional and rape with out consequence is reality.

So what is there to be done about it? How do we reclaim our faith in the goodness of a God who hears our cries, and how do we begin to be able to imagine a world where poverty and rape is fiction, and how to we have the courage to be creative enough to make it happen, to bring the unseen into sight?
I believe when Jesus says we need to be like little children, he is talking about this. He said to the woman who had been bleeding for years, “Daughter, your faith has healed you”.

No matter how old we are, there comes a sense of awe when we imagine a world free of sadness, sickness, and death. There is a sense of wonder when we think about heaven, the New Jerusalem, where God will wipe away all of our tears, and make everything new. When we try to imagine perhaps, bringing that heaven here, we are quick to excuse it as a naive thought, or impossible, unrealistic, foolishness, childish. When we try to find a creative way to wipe out poverty, the yoke of numbers, percentages, money and human time is thrown upon us, and we are willing to take it because it gives us an excuse to be heavy, grounded, and unfit to walk on water. After all, there is a storm raging. But isn’t that what Jesus prayed would happen? Isn’t that what his whole life about? Didn’t he say that his yoke was easy and his burden was light? Isn’t the folly of the cross what set us free? Didn’t he walk on water? Did he not come as a child?

What if this whole ending poverty thing, this whole bringing heaven here thing, won’t happen unless we have faith in Jesus’ creativity, unless we have the courage to be imaginative. It is written to be strong and courageous, do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you where ever you go. When you pass through waters, I will be with you, and when you pass through rivers, they will not sweep over you, when you walk through fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. In my name you will drive out demons, you will speak in new tongues, you will pick up snakes and when you drink deadly poison it will not hurt you, you will put your hands on sick people and they will get well. Jesus calls us to walk on water. He calls us to do seemly impossible things, and then he says not to be afraid. Last time someone tried to shake things up, start a new kind of way of life based on forgiveness, equality, peace and rights for the poor, He was crucified; you’d think Jesus would know that story. That’s just it, He’s calling us into that revolution, it’s that important, and it is totally impossibly possible.

So back to faith, and believing in the unseen, having the courage to be creative and child enough to imagine the impossible.
The week before I got here, the Suubi women were told that they would be making ten necklaces a week. They celebrated and rejoiced and praised God. Their prayers were being answered, thunder was rumbling in the desert, promising showers of provision. God is using creativity to make a river in the desert, a way strait in the wilderness.

So I stood there in the market, and just let myself feel the rain. It was almost an invitation, “Remember when you were a child? When impossible things were possible? Remember when you were free to imagine that the world could be a beautiful place?” I don’t see why it cant be possible again, after all, to be a child again, I don’t have to climb back into my mothers womb, all I have to do is believe, believe in silly things like the wind and walking on water.

Surley We Can Change (something)

2008-09-09T02:34:00.000-07:00

hey guys sorry i haven't been able to really write or get any pictures up, the internet here is realllllly slow hah.
and ive been really busy.
i have some pictures from massesse, where we fed the children, it was so intense, ive never seen that many HUNGRY children, it was truly heart breaking. All i had to do was hand out some oranges (which are green in Uganda hah) and i could barley keep my composure. Almost none of them had decent clothes. I would talk more about it but i dont have time.
Sunday I met all of the suubi women. They are the funniest group of women ive ever met in my life. They are so full of life and joy, i love it.
Yesterday I met a little girl named Peace.
Her father was murdered before she was born and because of that her mother had to turn to prostitution, or in her words "my mother had to go into bars and sleep with many men". Peace's mother contracted HIV, and died. She now lives with her uncle and aunt, who can barley afford her school fees.
This isnt the first story ive heard like this here. they live in such despair but they have so much hope. Peace taught me a Ugandan hand game, with snaps and claps and all that jazz and it was sung to the tune of i wish you a merry christmas. hah.
I walk a couple of miles a day, and my one side of my neck is incredibly sun burnt, not the other haha. i love it here.
i still havent gotten my shots, but dont worry they are coming in from Kampala soon, i did get my malaria medicine though.
my email is not working here so if you want to communitcate with me this is the best means.
i wish i could tell you guys more but im really out of time and i have to go.
i love you all, and miss you terribly.
pictures are comming soon.

where there is pain
let us bring grace
where there is suffering
let us bring serenity
for those afraid
help them be brave
surley we can change
something.

here

2008-09-05T01:14:00.000-07:00

hey guys sorry i havent been able to write! its crazy here!
today im going to Masese ( a village near by, one of the poorest areas around Jinja, were we live) to feed about 400 orphans with Josh and Ian (we do this every friday)(and holy cow, talk about feeding Jesus when he was hungry, this is what ive always dreamed of, is feeding hungry children, and im actually getting a chance to do it, its crazy) Yesterday was amazing. We walked to Danita, where the Suubi women live and I met some of the women. I wasnt really sure what to expect but for some reason I was surprized that most of the women I met, were working on suubi beads as I approached thier homes (wich are little more than four concrete walls and a sheet for a door, although, one of them had a canadian flag for a door wich i thought was interesting). The women really do work really hard on these necklaces and theyre always looking for ways to better them, or coming up with new designs. I met Agnes, who speaks almost fluent English, shes the one who brought me around to meet some of the other suubi women. She has four sons and a daughter. OH! The kids here are crazy.
Mzungu How are you?
thats pretty much what i hear everywhere I go.
The kids are adorable, i cant even stand it!
OH!
BETTY!
Betty is our house keeper, shes such a babe! Americas next top model has nothing on this woman, shes 23, and about three years ago she was living in the north and her village was attacked, she thought everyone in her family died so (we think) she walked all the way down here to Jinja to look for work. She has a son whos name is either Davey David or Kimby, not sure, they all call him all three. Ill have pictures up soon I promice.
I havent taken my shots yet, I get them on monday.
The food here is good, Betty made us this crazy beef penut sauce with sweet potatoes ( not yams, regular potatoes but sweet...they call regular potatoes irish potatoes) and poshu, wich im still not really sure what its made of. Ive been munching on penut butter bannana sandwiches, beans, and rice. tonight i might cook the fish me and John got at the market yesterday.
I really got to connect with the rest of the volunteers in the house, and im so excited to be spending the next few months with Julie (shes even more beautiful a person than i thought she would be!) John (coolest red head with a rat tail in town) Ian (redeamed the name Ian for me) and Josh (hater of bananda and penut butter mixtures BUT will settle for bannana and chocolate), and Megan (she doesnt live with us but shes around)
God has been speaking so quietly while ive been here.
ive mostly been humbled so far.
the people here really do live on nothing, and somehow they make it work.
they keep smiling.
the people are so beautiful, ive seen Gods creativity like crazy.
I dont have much time and i know this is real short and everything but were on a bit pf a schedule.

Mom- i misunderstood when dave said i should bring like 300 - 400 dollars, julie said i should have more sent, so if you could send the rest of the money to dave to put into julies account or into the light gives heat account, that would be great, and if anyone would like to support me, i still need funds.

Psalms 9: 18
But the needy will not always be forgotten
nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.

i love you guys!

T minus Four Hours (or so)

2008-09-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much everyone for coming last night!

I had such a blast, and it was exactly what i needed!

Thanks so much margie for hosting it!

Im off, on my way to the airport,

ill blog when I get there!

1:52 September 2nd, 2008

2008-09-01T22:52:00.000-07:00

i cant sleep.

almost there

2008-08-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

so today i went to church.
i heard bono and bill hybels have an amazing converstation, that totally reinforced everything God has put on my heart latley.
then i got some quilts.
not just any quilts.
hand made prayer quilts. one for me and one for julie.
they are beautiful, i love them.
then i went out to lunch with the beautifull rissa and all the men talked about politics.
it was boring.
then i got to take a nap.
then i wrote ian a goodbye letter, just needed to get some stuff of my chest before i leave.
i went to give it to him, at the church and he was sitting outside on the phone.
i walked up to him, and asked if he had a second, he said yea and contiued to talk and laugh and tell his new gf about how excited he was to see her at youthgroup tonight, for about ten minutes while the tears were streaming down my face.
i gave up.
he doesnt care.
its done.
i never gave him the letter.
thank you Jesus for giving me a resiliant heart.
thank you Jesus for making me new and picking up the pieces.
thank you Jesus for taking the knife out of my back.

Youthgroup tonight was about the whole white washed tomb thing. how people can do religious things but still be dead on the inside. wich brought me to something someone said of me the otherday.
someone said uganda is my mecca.
as if i am somehow proving to God, through works, that i love him. that somehow, i am viewing this trip as an offering on a altar. when you first look at it you think, yes , that is good, an offering to God. But Jesus already paid my debt, i have nothing to prove to God. He knows that i love him the way i can best in my humanity, he doesnt want any stupid offering, as if i could possibly make Him love me more by being a good little christian girl and taking a vacation to africa. All God wants from me is love, love for Him as my God, and love for his people. Me going to Uganda to love on those women and kids, is simply what it is. not a sacrifice to apease the god of religion but a choice to love people who dont get alot of loving, Gods people, my people. No i dont speak thier language yet, but they are my people, because they are Gods people. I dont know thier customs and dont understand thier manorisms yet but they are my people, because they are Gods people. So this person might ask me why im going. Why? Because God made a way. Simply that. I dont need to explain Gods plan for me to anyone. Why do i love God? Because I have seen him. I have seen such a small bit of him and it has ravished my heart, and made me just want more. I want what he wants, my heart breaks for what his heart breaks for, he lives in me, and i love Him. His people are hurting and in need of love, my people are hurting and in need of love. We are all in the same, one body, one people, one world, and im tired of people just forgetting about our brothers and sisters simply because they are unseen.

bono talked about bringing heaven here.
the lords prayer.
Jesus would pray about that.
I mean, he mentions the poor almost more than anything second to salvation i think.
He would pray that he could bring heaven, God, to this dirty place, and thats exactly what He did! He brought heaven here, made a way for us all to expirience the truth and reality of God.
God seems like such a small word for such a big thing.
three letters could never do Him justice.
Yeah, so when i put in perspective my aching heart over a stupid boy who doesnt even care about me anymore, and look at the plight of the poor and sick and disadvataged, it seems so small, like im seeing this as a mountain, and its just a foot hill.
on top of everything seth anderson keeps asking me to kiss him and im not sure if hes sirious.
hahahahaahha

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this
Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me
Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole
Lock the doors
Cause I like to capture this voice
it came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
I'll show myself it wasn't forged
We're at war
We live like this
Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me
Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole
Tower over me
Tower over me
And I'll take the truth at any cost
Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole.

3 days

2008-08-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

To the cross I look
to the cross I cling
Of it's suffering
I do drink
Of it's work I do sing
For on it my Savior
both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross
You beckon me
You draw me gently
to my knees,
and I am
Lost for words,
so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken,
wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift,
undeserved life
Have I been given
through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross
I’m reconciled
In awe of the cross
I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love
and How great is Your faithfulnes
------------------------------------------------------------------
psalms 88:4-12

4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit, I am like a man without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.
6 You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me;you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.Selah
8 You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction ?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
-------------------------------------------------------

Isaiah 9:2
2 The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.

Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

John 11:38
38Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39"Take away the stone," he said. "But, Lord," said Martha, the sister of the dead man, "by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days."
40Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" 41So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me."
43When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!"
44The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."

Romans 5:14
14Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.
15But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! 16Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.
18Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. 19For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

Genesis 19: 27
27 Early the next morning Abraham got up and returned to the place where he had stood before the LORD. 28 He looked down toward Sodom and Gomorrah, toward all the land of the plain, and he saw dense smoke rising from the land, like smoke from a furnace.
29 So when God destroyed the cities of the plain, he remembered Abraham, and he brought Lot out of the catastrophe that overthrew the cities where Lot had lived.

Deuteronomy 4:31
31 For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath.

Five Days

2008-08-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

Oh Goodness.
God has been working in my life in such cool ways over the last day or too. Not only have i been getting really excited about my upcoming adventure, ive been having the cooooolest converations with those whom God loves so passionatley. Today I got a huge bucket thing in the mail from dave and morgan to bring to the house and to betty and little david. I cant wait to have them open up the gifts and kashi haha. Oh man.

So, i feel like i should share a few messages from some of my friends that have been encouraging me. i hope you all understand that im not sharing these words for my own glory, but for the glory of God, that you would see what He is doing in this place, in downriver and in my friends. remember how i told you guys about how ive been so encouraged by 1 Corinthians "nothing we do for the lord is in vain" well, im seeing what that really really means:

"Wow! Thas pretty ill what you are doing, especially at the age that you are. Most people your age are more concerned with going to college and getting wasted at Frat parties.Pretty lame right?So christianity is a big deal for you huh?You've been blessed/touched in a way that the light shines bright...My mother is a christian, she's all about it.But I'm not religious, though there is a shred of me that believes in "faith"."
-random guy in local band that messaged me on myspace.

Phillipians 2:14
14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16 as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.

this was such an intence message for me, i dont think this guy even knows that God was speaking and encouraging me through him. This guy says it himself, he isnt a christian, hes not really sure how he feels about God, but God totally uses him, and he doesnt even know it. What a powerful God we have. This almost brings me to tears, just reading it.

"And as weird as it sounds I feel like you've already made a large impact on my life. I feel like there's so much I can and should do. And will do."
- a dear new friend of mine.

This brings me so much hope, that God could use me to inspire people to do something. It blows me away in so many ways. All i told this person about was what God has been doing in my life, the whole conversation was about passion, and love, and God, and what Gods done in my life. His works in my life by themselves testify to His greatness and i feel so unworthy of this. Thank you God for my friends.

please continue to pray for me everyone. please continue for my heart to be made pure, like my tattoo says hah. pray for me to keep myself availible to be used by the beautiful spirit of God, that his heartbeat would become mine, and that what breaks his heart would break mine. Pray that he would continue to encourage me, through even the mouths of strangers and unbelivers, friends and family. pray that i would alow myself to see Jesus in a tangible way, because we so often write him off as untouchable, unseen and unheard, but oh how he reveals himself to us in so many real ways! I was just telling mikey tonight, he was like, why is like, fall outside today? I replied with a "God is giving me a fall night because he knows fall is my favorite season, and ill be missing it" its so true! I felt Jesus loving me in the coolness of the night and the wind rustling the leaves in the trees, and i felt Jesus in the fuzzys on my sweater, that i even had a sweater to keep cozy on this night that was such a blessing in itself. Thank you thank you thank you Jesus.
pray for me to stay foucused. Pray for my dear friend Tyler and his band, kiros, and thier ministry. pray for my friends jax and rissa and thier family, thier grandmother is passing away. Pray for my new friends, mikey and a few others, that GOd would continue to wisper his love to them. Please pray for my friends that dobt GOds love for them.

Jude 1:24
24To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— 25to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.

SO GOOD (7days!!)

2008-08-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

Deuteronomy 7:9
Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God.He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.
Deuteronomy 10:18
18 He ensures that orphans and widows receive justice.He shows love to the foreigners living among you and gives them food and clothing

We are here taught our duty to God in our principles and our practices. We must fear the Lord our God. We must love him, and delight in communion with him. We must walk in the ways in which he has appointed us to walk. We must serve him with all our heart and soul. What we do in his service we must do cheerfully, and with good will. We must keep his commandments. There is true honour and pleasure in obedience.We must give honour to God; and to him we must cleave, as one we love anddelight in, trust in, and from whom we have great expectations. We are here taught our duty to our neighbour. God's common gifts to mankind oblige us to honour all men. And those who have themselves been in distress, and have found mercy with God, should be ready to show kindness to those who are in the like distress. We are here taught our duty to ourselves. Circumcise your hearts. Cast away all corrupt affections and inclinations, which hinder you from fearing and loving God.By nature we donot love God. This is original sin, the source whence our wickedness proceeds; and the carnal mind is enmity against God, for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be; so then they that are in the flesh cannot please God, Ro 8:5 to 9.Let us, without delay or reserve, come and cleave to our reconciled God in Jesus Christ, that we may love, serve, and obey him acceptably, and be daily changed into his image, from glory to glory, by theSpirit of the Lord. Consider the greatness and glory of God; and his goodness and grace; these persuade us to our duty. Blessed Spirit! Oh for your purifying, persevering, and renewing influences, that being called out of the state of strangers, such as our fathers were, we may be found among the number of the children of God, and that our lot may be among the saints.

You wisper your song over me,
im slow to answer, slow to speak
I found a safe place
How wide is your love
how high how deep its untouched
im not engough
i found a safe place in you
i found a safe place in you
remember the day you called my name
i was a stranger but you loved me the same
i found a safe place
how high is your love
how high how deep its untouched
im not enough
i found a safe place in you
i found a sage place in you
you are the one my heart is waiting for
you are my treasure
you are my key
you are the door
you hold me tight
you hold me quiet
you hold me still
how wide is your love
how deep how high
its untouched
and im not enough
i found a safe place in you
i found a safe place in you
-enter the worship circle

This week is going to go by so fast, and im so glad. Gods timing couldnt be better for this. I cant wait to meet Julie and Mellisa, I cant wait to fall in love with these kids and women. I cant wait to love people, ask anyone, thats all i want to do. I cant wait to HOLD people, hold thier hands, look into thier eyes, and see the endurance and perserverence. I cant wait to be changed. Im praying and praying that I would come back a different person. I have almost no fear of danger, i fear that i wont be changed, that i wont make myself availible, that i wont be vonerable to the spirit, that ill be stuck on whats going on at home. Theres this song by Jewel, well, im sure weve all heard it but i never really paid attention to what the words are:

If I could tell the world one thing
it would be that were all ok
and not to worry cause worry is wasteful
and usless in times like these
i wont be made usless
i wont be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small I know

this couldnt be more true for me. Praise God, man, He is doing such a crazy work in me. I am so stubborn, so untrusting in Gods faithfulness and provision, and I have a feeling that Ill be learning alot about Gods provision from the Suubi women. I cant wait to see thier beautiful faces.

Song of Songs 8:6
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm.For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. 7 Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it.

So Much

2008-08-25T16:41:00.000-07:00

I got to thinking...God has put so many amazing people in my life to get me through this summer, its about time i show them some love before i leave:

Mom: Thanks for like pushing me out and stuff hah. but siriously, thanks for letting your only little girl fly away in a way that is way crazier than most little girls fly away, i think youve always know that this would happen, when you gave me to God like you said, when i was like a super bad kid, i think you didnt realise what that ment hah because hes deffinitly taking me hah. Thanks for being proud of me and bragging to all your work friends hah. i might not show it but i knowtice, i love you so much.

Sarah: i wish you were a boy, i would marry you. your encouragement and love through this summer has been my bread and butter. i feel like our friendship really shows what friendship in Christ should look like, and i love you for that, so much.

Matt: i cant even start to explain how thankful i am to know you! You have been nothing but encouraging to me and i appreciate it soo much, like you dont even get it. thanks for being my friend when i need it, it means so much.

Jacob: Your late night phone calls cease to bring me laughter. you probably wont read thisthough haah so im not gonna write much other than get your act together hah, well, youve been doing well. i love you so much.

Tracy and Janis: I look up to you ladies so much, siriously. Thanks for hangin out with a pipsweek like myself hah. Tracy, your advice and wisdom has helped me so much, and Janis, i take everything you tell me about Africa to heart, and i appreciate it so much.

Susan: You mean the world to me. We're sisters! I feel like out of all my friends you know my heart the best, you see how excited I am about this and youve been telling me to get off my butt and do it since i was 14. I love you so much.

Dan: Your obedience to Gods spirit is half the reason Im even going, thank you for seeing the potenital God put in me to love his people. Your passion for the bride of Christ, the church, is overwelming and inspiring, and i have no doubt in my mind that God is gong to use you in radical ways, i appreicate you so much.

Sarah and Jammers: You inspire me, you make me realise im not alone in this. This passion i have for the least of these, you have the same and its so refreshing, i miss you both so much and cant wait to see you upon both of our homecomings, i think about you so much.

Metro: my church family, i love you. Im going to miss seeing everyone every sunday, but i know you will be still covering me in prayer. I thank God for you so much.

Solid Rock kids: oh man where do i start, God has used you guys in such beautiful ways to show me his love for me. im so greatful to know all of you, ryan cody bill lynette chelsea sara lisa maddy kelly kristin corinne chandler casey charity jamie dear everyone i love you guys so much.

Jax: You inspire me because you are simply yourself, i miss you so much.

Adam and Katie Dorband: thank you for ministering to the children of the jungle that is downriver. you are making an impact, you are missionaries and your love for me and for Jesus is what has lead me to have such a passion for Gods people. I am so greatful for you, so much.

9 days going on 8ish

2008-08-24T22:21:00.001-07:00

Today I bought 35 packs of crayons at 17 cents a box.
So excited to bring that over, I got some gum, chocolate (for mellisa and julie, just because they are females like myself and im sure the chocolate there is sick)
I also got some bubblegum for the kiddies and someother stuff.

Church today was good, I got to connect with Pastor Jeremy finally, and set up a time to meet with him. I also got to see the quilt the women at my church made for julie, and it was beautiful, cant wait to give it to her. I got to hang out with Hope and visit her grandpa in the hospital. I ate some chilicheesefries at aurthurs, and got to tell the waitresses about suubi. (ive been in there engouh they know my name and knotice when i get a new pircing ha) Dan came and picked me up for biblestudy at solid rock and it was good, we were reading in 1 thes 4. Its an interesting chapter that 1 thesilonians 4. Later in the night after the sun had set on our little bible study, and all the mosquitos came out we headed inside to watch THE GODS ARENT ANGRY by Rob Bell.
Im usually not a fan of Rob Bell just because of all of the hullaballo about him but i must say, thumbs up Mr Rob Bell for this guy.

It totally made me rethink the basics of my christian walk, and made me question weather or not i really understoon the sacrifice made at the cross, and the cultural relevance in it, now and back then. How great a God we have.

Sorry this little blog guy isnt that interesting, im just like, emotionally exausted and need to just spend some time, "with my face in the bible" as jacob would say.

thanks to everyone reading this, it means so much. I cant belive its only 8 days away now, its sureal.

i love you!

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me,
O LORD;may your love and your
truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"
17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Official (10 days)

2008-08-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

He texted me saying:

"I know you dont want to hear this but i need to tell you this. Me and Ashley are daiting,"

We broke us less than two months ago.
Please everyone pray for my heart. Pray that the enemy will not use this against me, to make me doubt myself or the future God has for me. Pray for me that I will not dwell on this. Im still 100% devistated. Im not really sure how to handle all of this. Three years, and about a million promices just down the drain. Please Please pray for me. Pray that one day I will be able to be vonerable again, that I could learn to trust again, and that my heart would not become bitter, that I would be content with the word God has spoken, and take hold of that, and cherish it. Please pray for my mind to not compare myself to her, that I would be confident in the person GOd has made me to be, and that I would not settle because I will be lonley. Pray for Ian, that God would continue to work in his life that way He has been, and pray that thier relationship would be honoring to GOd.

Goodness...
I cant wait to leave this all here and take my heart to uganda.

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
I have decided,
I have resolved,
To wait upon you Lord.
My rock and redeemer
Shield and reward
I'll wait upon You Lord.
And surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
Certain as the dawn appears
You'll come,
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us.
Spirit reign
Flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come,
You'll come.
We are not shaken,
We are not moved,
We wait upon You Lord.
Mighty deliverer,
My triumphant truth,
We wait upon you Lord.
Surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
Certain as your word endures.
You'll come,
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us.
Spirit reign
Flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come, You'll come.
Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed.

Thier There and They're (11 days)

2008-08-22T05:56:00.001-07:00

Its crazy what God has instore for us and the people he brings into ourlives. I love that when you make yourself availible to be used by God, he uses you. Yesterday me and Sarahs twin Rachel and another friend of ours took Sarah back to school in Chicago. I was so sad....Sarah has been such a blesssing to me this summer, in a matter of two months or so we have become so close, and shared so much! Just waking up next to her was my favorite hah i dont want to sound creepy (if you know me you know im such a touchy person ahah so sleeping in the same bed with my girl friends isnt a big deal at all hah) she's so beautiful and she loves God and people so much! I see Jesus in her everyday. Anyway, we got there set up all her stuff and got that situated and headed out to the city (i was even more bummded because Sarah couldnt come with us...no i was pissed hah) Me and S. (that shal be his name hah bc im getting ready to get into some pretty personal stuff) and Rach get on the train (ahhh so fun!!!) and travel into the heart of Chicago (i stinkin loved it I probably looked like I was five years old hah) We get off the train and see that crazy bean thing (wich i totally loved because I heard so many different languages it was so funny, and I saw this indian couple takig a picture but it was hillarious because they were both wearing traditional indian atire and standing infront of this huge metal bean, they werent even smiling hah it was sooo funnny) and went and saw where Rachel was going to be living (wich is in the sweetest apartment ever! right ny millenium park, like she can see the bean from her window!) and we walked around just hanging out and taking it all in. We had a fun little day in the city and I loved it, but the part I was most looking forward to would be the ride home with S.

Me and S have been friends for a while, i met him through one of my closest friends Jacob, who is in the marines now and I miss him terribly. Im a huge fan of life stories and really knowing people, thier background, where they want to go in life, what they love, what hurts them stuff like that, If im going to know someone, i want to really really know them. I think thats what Jesus would do to. S is 18 years old, last year he was supposed to graduate, he didnt, so now hes still in school and the poor kid hates it. ( i hated highschool too so i could totally relate to him hah)
He works at a bowling alley and is an actuall proffesional bowler. He drinks and smokes, and listens to bands like Against Me! (most of you reading this probably dont know who that is but it explains him and alot of my friends very well hah). He doesnt have tattoos yet but he will soon, as soon as jake gets back hah. I love this kid to death.

So I have my tearful goodbye to my Sarah, and we head back to Detroit. We get in the car and I look at S and I say, "Tell me your life story".
People react differently, some people are all about it, some people are like, no way hah, i take a chance everytime hah but usually it ends up fulliling its purpose and they tell me.
He seemed a little bit hesitent to open up, and he asked me about what happened with me and Ian, so I started opening up to him a little, so he could know he could trust me. I told him about everything with Ian (he went to highschool with Ian) and the hurt from it, but how I still respect him and everything, and of course what God was doing in my life because of it.
When it was his time to talk, he was so open and so genuine and so real it almost brought me to tears. He started telling me about how his parents split and him mom just left, his dad became a workaholic, his stepmom hit him and his brother and pushed Mormanism on them, how he started doing drugs when he was like 13. He told me about how he lost his virginity to a girl he thought he was in love with, (when he was like 15) and then she moved away and started daiting someone else, and eventually had a baby, and how he was so heartbroken at the state of this girls life, and how he somehow felt guilty for it. He told me about how he hated his dad for giving up on him and his brother and how now that they got everything figured out he would take a bullet for that man. He told me about how when his brother joined the navy he was so proud and that he wanted to be just like his brother. He was so passionate about the people in his life and had so much fire and love in him that it was overwelming. He told me he had tried to commit suicide four times and something stoped him everytime.
Then we started talking about Jesus.
He told me he wanted to belive in God, and Jesus, but that he was just so confused about everything that he just doesnt want to think about it.

2 Corinthians 3:12
Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Ezekiel 13:19
'Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am against your magic charms with which you ensnare people like birds and I will tear them from your arms; I will set free the people that you ensnare like birds. I will tear off your veils and save my people from your hands, and they will no longer fall prey to your power. Then you will know that I am the LORD.

The converstation went on and he went to tell me some pretty intence stuff, like how he knows that there is good and evil in this world and that its his fear of evil that is keeping him from seeking truth. I proceded to tell him all about the fact that Jesus, he came and obolished that power, and that In him, we have power over evil in every way.

Mark 16:15
He (Jesus) said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."

Romans 16:20
The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.

I told him about how powerful Jesus, a man, was over the enemy, Satan. About how in Jesus death, we have the power of life, and that overpowers all evil. The light is what the darkness most fears. I told him that in Jesus we have victory, that nothing can seperate us from the love of God.

Romans 8:28
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Then he started telling me again how he was just so confused, and it was almost like he said there was like a cloud infront of his face, that just blocked him from seeing Jesus for whe he knows he is. I know its true too, like the verses about viels, Satan has totally veiled the eyes of this generation, with lies and confustion and it pisses me off. I started telling him about how in Jerimiah, it says that when we seek God with all our hearts, we will be found by us, he wont hold back, he will rip the veils from our faces and lift the scales from our eyes and he burst out with:

"Kirstin, you know whats stopping me? Forgivness. I know that God wants to forgive me, I know, I just cant forgive myself! I cant forgive myself for being adicted to cocaine for nine months, I cant forgive myself for the girls that ive slept with and the things ive said to people, I cant forgivemyself for trying to kill myself, I cant, I just cant forgive myself."

I sat there in silence for a second. I couldnt belive that this conversation was happening. I couldnt belive that God had chosed me to be the one to tell this person that that was a lie. So i told him, "You how I told you Satan lies to us, thats one of the bigest lies that satan uses, that we dont deserve forgivness and relationship with a holy God, but its a lie, a strait up lie, and i wish you could see it for that, Jesus loves you so much S."

I told him about how Jesus loved us so much, so so much, that he died for us, even though he knew we would still sin, and how he died for people who didnt even believe in him. I started to tell him about the holy spirit, and how thats eveidence for me that Jesus is alive in my, and I told him about how before Jesus, the spirit of God was contained, and when Jesus died for us, he made the spirit of God availible to all of us, despite our sin.

Matthew 27:51
At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"

After I shared that verse with S. he told me that he felt like his heart was that Curtain, his unbelief and guilt was stopping him from expiriencing Jesus. It wouldnt be more true, and when Jesus died for S. that curtain was torn, Jesus is above S's unbeilf and guilt, and I know with everyfiber of my being that S. is going to come to Jesus.

The rest of the car ride home was filled with me telling S about how much Jesus has changed my life, like turned it upside down. I told him about love, real love, true love, love that would lay down its life for S and for me. I told him about how people take love, they take Jesus and try to put words in His mouth and burden people with rediculous expectations. I couldnt stop telling him about the love of Jesus. I know that God was speaking through me because I was ministering to myself hah. It was soo intence.

The car ride didnt end in S. praying with me or giving his life to Jesus but I know its just a matter of time, and the holy spirits time at that. The really funny thing is though, through our conversation, S brought up another one of my friends Mike. This is a whole nother story in itself, baisically when I was in thailand last year I had a dream that Mike would give himself to Jesus and get baptized and lead a bunch of kids downriver to Jesus, I woke up from this dream (mind you i never met mike, i didnt even know who he was before I met him after I had this dream) and prayed for Mike, that God would free him from his prison of addiction and guilt, and that God would heal his body from the drugs he was on and all this crazy stuff, i thought i was going insane hah, turns out that the day i had that dream, mike got out of prison, by chance, and he came to alive, the youthgroup i volunteer at. About a month later I was standing in a lake with Mike, baptizing him. Mike was on fire for God for about a month, and then then i dont know what happend, he just fell away, but I knew that GOd would continue the work that he had done in Mikes life, so I didnt push it. I told S last night about it, how I know that God is still going to use Mike in crazy ways even though right now hes still sleeping around and on drugs, one day, Jesus is going to use Mike to glorify himself. (S. had heard about Mike getting baptized and didnt even believe it hah thats how crazy this guy Mike is) I woke up this morning to tell you guys about S. and i looked on my myspace and Mike left me a comment asking to hang out. I havent talked to him in like a few months, and I know that its Gods timing that it happened like this.

I never though God would even want to ever use me like this, Im so elated. Im so honored, and its sooo cool because the reason I have all these pircings and my tattoo and stuff, its so that people like S and Mike can relate to me, these kids are in a really rough croud, and I know that God has called me to minister to them too, because most Christians are like, afraid of kids on drugs, and no one wants to step down into their lives and bail them out of jail and give them a place to stay, even though they dont say thank you and make a huge mess and eat all your food even though you work two jobs and cant even afford to feed yourself. No one wants to buy them a cup of coffee and listen to thier hearts, thats all they need, and Im so so so honored that God is using me in thier lives, Its crazy that God trusts me with that, I dont see why, and mabey its my own addictions that makes me relate to them so much, Im just blown away by the raw humaness and desperation for Love that these kids have. Please pray for the youth of downriver.

With all that, My heart is leaping at the idea of leaving in 11 days, and its soooo cool too because In me leaving for Uganda, S. and Mike and Jake and all these kids that im totally in love with, they see Jesus providing for me and taking me on these crazy awsome out of this world sureal adventures. What 19 year old girl with no money or education just up and goes to Uganda? Not many. Me just going is a testimony to them that my God is alive and working in me and in the world.

Isaiah 61
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated;they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. And you will be called priests of the LORD, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. "For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity. In my faithfulness I will reward them and make an everlasting covenant with them.Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the LORD has blessed."
I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.

1 Corinthians 9:22
I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law.To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

Let the Bones You Have Crushed Rejoice (14 days)

2008-08-20T11:23:00.000-07:00

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem. Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you; then bulls will be offered on your altar.

--------------------------------------------------------------psalms 51-----------------------

I know i keep going on and on about this, and for those of you who dont really know me or are just reading this from the light gives heat website link, i appologise for the rambling and what seems to be foolishness, but i feel like GOd will be glorified in me sharing this with all of you, because I know the He is a God who heals and saves and restores, and I know that while I am in Uganda God is going to do such a work in my life, simply because now I have a spirit that is so willing and desperate for what He wants for me and my life.
SO:

Today I talked to Ian for the first time since sunday. I asked him if he has been doing well and he said yes ect, I asked if he had been sleeping well, (that kid never sleeps) and he said no, so I asked why, he replies with:

"I dont really want to tell you this but me and ashley have been hanging out talking really late into the night, probably a little too much."

I was silent. The tears started to fall and I couldnt speak, the usual, right? For some reason this hurt so much more than when he told me he kissed her. I know that we arent together, I broke up with him ect, but this is still so painful, esspecially that he has moved on so quickly. All I ever wanted out of the relationship I had with him was God filled communication, a spiritual connection held together by the grace and pressence of the holy spirit. He would never talk to me. Im sure you could understand why Im so hurt. Putting all of this aside, i realised and remembered, GOd called me to do this, that this is from him. To stay with Ian would be to grieve the very spirit inside of me that keeps me breathing (Job 33:4). That this pain, it is from GOd, and it's nessisary. So many people are always using pain as an excuse to push God away, Why would GOd let this happen? Right? Well, I am SO THANKFUL that God has given me the revelation to understand that this pain is from Him, and nothing that comes from him isnt good.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
---------------------------------------------------------Hebrews 12:11------------------------

I know that this will be worth it in the end, my faith and sacrifice was not in vain, but a love offering to the only One worthy of my love. I mean think about it, GOd made us to be in relationship with Him before anything else. God made Eve from Adam, and since the fall put a passion for Adam in her heart, but before that, HE BREATHED LIFE INTO HER. He is what made her come alive, He is what gave her worth, he determined her beauty (by making her the last of all creation hah, the world wasnt right with out us ladies! hah) and He created her to LOVE HIM, just like GOd created Adam to LOVE HIM. For so long I was letting Ian determine my beauty and worth, In my head I told myself that GOd did, but in my heart, I let Ian. I realise now that when I got to Uganda, I am going to be seeing authentic beauty, God given worth and beauty that lies in the heart and radiates out, I wouldnt have been able to learn and be transformed by the beauty that these women have, that Im going to see, If I was still letting my relationship and dependance on someone else determine it. When I look at it that way I am so thankful, so so thankful for all this pain.

When I look at all this pain as a way for God to be glorified, everything changes. Its obvious that Im hurting and that all this is having a toll on me, but I KNOW that my heart will be healed:

Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.They will be called oaks of righteousness a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Psalms 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I KNOW that He has an awsome plan for me and that If i simply submit to his leadership, my life will glorify Him, wich is what I want most:

Jerimiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you," declares the LORD.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So to be honest, this is all I need. This word, these promices, this is all I need. My Dearest Shilow, my sister in the Lord, she told me yesterday, you're ready. I am ready. I am totally ready to take this on, to lavish the love that God has given me on these women and children, who ever! I am so ready to live outwardly, and express GOds love and compassion in a reckless and dangerous way. I pray that I would be dangerous, live dangerously in the persuit of Love. Love Love Love. Thats what this is all about. LOVE.

Ephesisans 5:2
Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

This is really how I want to live, extravagently. With Ian I always felt like I was loving him too much, giving too much, but I realise now, that that outragous love for someone else, its from GOd, and I want to love EVERYONE like that.

And I realise that this is going to be an everyday thing, an everyday decision to LOVE people and LOVE God by submitting to his plans for my life.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So through all this I truley thank GOd for breaking me down and giving me this pain, this heartache. Thank you thank you thank you Jesus. I cant wait to come and serve your people in Uganda..

16 going on 15 days

2008-08-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

And now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
And now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is Him and I'm more than blessed
Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king
We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good
You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin
I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king
Let now your church shine as the bride
That you saw in your heart as you offered up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

I listened to this song over and over and over again in Thailand. I almost smell the curry everytime I listen to it here in the states. I sang this song to Jesus standing on the beach of the indian ocean, just loving His presence and holy spirit. I felt the call to something extrodinary. I remember disctintly the feeling of the waves crashing first at my ankles and then at my knees as the tide rose, and thinking, this is like the kingdom of God, the tide rising. There is only more to come, greater things to come, the tide will only rise. GOd has such a way of making beautiful promices, and as I listen to this song again, on my way home from Matt's, with my best friend (Sarah) in the drivers seat, I couldnt help but stick my hands out the window and thank God for all hes doing in my life, where he is taking me and who he is making me to be. This is something worth giving up everything for. In a bible study with Jill, one of the leaders at Alive, she made the point that love costs everything, and this love that Ive found in Jesus, its costing me everything, and its totally worth it.

As we drive home, we pass the airport. In less that 16 days I will be back there, only taking a different exit off the free way and heading into it, instead of around it. I almost want to just take the buss to the airport, just so i feel the gravity of what Im about to do, and so its just me and Jesus. (my mom might be cool with me going to uganda on my own but i can see her throwing a fit if i tell her im giong to the airport by myself, like the time i wanted to take a bus to get to canton...she flipped out and i was like, uh, im going to a third world country and your worried about me getting on a buss coming from detroit? so i cant see this whole me going to the airport by myself thing happening...ill give her that) Anyway, I got butterflies just thinking of getting on that plane, really doing it. I cant even comprehend that its so soon. I almost started crying just thinking about hugging the suubi women and holding the kids hands and listening to thier stories. Just listening, goodness I need to learn how to do that, i talk so much. Im not expecting to revolutionize a whole country, I dont even expect to really be a catalst to major change, I just want to love, and show love and be loved, and thats the Gospel, thats the Kingdom of God, a love revolution that starts quiet and echos in eternity (wow that was clever, i probably read that somewhere and forgot where, shane claiborn probably wrote that and im remembering it hah im not that creative)

Goodness.

On thursday I take Sarah back to Chicago for school at Trinity. Im going to miss her so much. Never have I connected with another person the way I have connected with Sarah, we dont even have to talk most of the time, and just being with her, i know shes on my side, she loves me, and shes proud of me (and shes jellous that shes not coming with ahah!) it means so much! Oh man, Im going to be a wreck. When I get back from that I will have 12 days before I leave.

Last night Rissa and Eric had a bonfire. I was so excited to be able to spend time with Rissa before I left, I was her maid of honor in her wedding and I havent really gotten to connect with her since the wedding. Eric made a genious point and said that when a group of christians comes together to just hang out, we should still make God the center of the night. He said he gets frusterated when christians hang out together and God isnt thanked or even mentioned once, and i totally agree. We all talked about what GOd was doning in our lives and shared prayer requests, mine being Uganda. As the group prayed for me I relised that God has been preparing me for this trip my whole life. Since I was a wee lass, I always drempt of going on adventures in Africa and Asia and Pluto, while most little girls drempt of thier wedding days. Im so excited to be bringing and revealing beauty in places that seem so bare, and unfruitful. I feel like this is the most feminine thing I could do, I mean, isnt that what we as women want? To BE beautiful and DO beautiful things? I feel so beautiful.

Before the bonfire lastnight metro joined alive. It was also the first time I would see Ian and his new "friend" together in the same room. I knew it would be tough but thats part of being a woman too, we have to be tough hah. At one point durring the service I looked back to see him sitting with her, and her looking at him smiling. Part of me was so hurt, but I turned back around and stared directly down into the bible open in my lap and read:

Proverbs 4:20-27

20 My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words.

21 Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart;

22 for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body.

23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

24 Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips

25 Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you

26 Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.

27 Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

I realise that looking back on what was, its not going to do me any good. God has such beautiful promices to give me a hope and a future and thats all I have to look forward to. What God has infront of me. The tide is only rising from here on out.

shout outs:

Matt: thanks for reading this haha.

Tiffany Tosh: thanks for reading this haha and letting me take some of your journals.

Mom: thanks for emailing everyone to read this, now i feel like it has to be legit.

18 days

2008-08-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

Wow Im a bum i havent written in the thing in like a week, actually the other day i went to write on in it but i was interupted by a phone call that ended up lasting through the night hah.
WOW SO:
Update:

Im leaving in 18 days and Im so so so excited. Im actually so excited that last night in my sleep sarah heard me talking and apparently this is what I was saying:
"Ok"
"Mhmm"
"Thank YOU!"
"Im so excited GOd"

HAHAHA! OH MAN!
Im am really really excited.
I walked outside today and said. "its so hot right now!"
Sarahs mom Paige just looked at me and laughed.

Now to the sirious stuff:

This is what Ive been chewing on latley:

1 Corinthians 15:55
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”
For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.
So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is
ever useless.

How beautiful is that! Nothing we do is ever useless. (Goodness! Me breaking up with Ian was not useless! all this heartache is not useless!) In the world, if we put effort into somthing, theres always a chance that the effort is usless. You can apply it to almost anything. You can work as hard as you possibly can to get something, and it just doesnt happen, making all that effort useless. In relationships, its the same deal, you can pour your heart out completley to someone, bear your soul, take on thier burnens, involve your life into thiers, and they can still just up and leave, making all that effort and emotion that you just put into that relationship useless. With Jesus everything is different and I love it. Nothing is useless. He sees the little stuff, like when we make little desicions that honor Him and make Him smile, he sees it! It counts for something! So I can have all these hopes hor God to use me in crazy ways when I go to Uganda (in 18 days ahah) but even if God doesnt use me in big ways, hes sees my effort, and it counts for something! I love it.

Ive been starting to pack, if thats what you want to call it.
Its not really packing, since all of my belongings are still not upacked since I moved into Sarahs.
Ive been planning to pack.
I have countless lists of the exact things I need to buy and pack.
For example:

the two pairs of skinny jeans from pacsun
every tank top you own
tiger dress
cardboard pants
pink dress shirt thing Phe gave me in Thailand
brown skirt
white skirt
yellow flower skirt
rediculously long white tshirt
feed the children tshirt (have sarah take the sides in, the darn things still too big)
toms shoes (get second pair)

the list goes on.

I still have to buy a journal, well, Im thinking about just making one. And I still have to find out what coffee Julie was talking about, and I have to get my new lip rings too. GAH! Im so unorganized. Ive been praying for God to be able to use me like crazy while Im there, and I already have the feeling that im going to want to stay longer. I have a feeling that this is where GOd is going to show me who he wants me to be, Im sure he will use these beautiful women in my life just as much and if not more to impact me that I will be im pacting them. Janis said I would come back different. Im looking forward to that. Im starting to not like the idea of missing my friends, (these are my friends, they have my back, they are the closest thing to blood that i have BAHAHAH CODY IM GOING TO MISS YOU) I already miss Jammers and Sarah so much and they have only been in Cali for less than a month (they are working with invisible children for the next few months, they are a blessing to me in themselves, its so refreshing to know that people my age have the same passion to see the love of Jesus lived out through our own young hands and feet, its seems like so many people these days are just candles blown out, they got nothing left to burn for exept themselves) God has been providing me with so many people to just pour into me and love me before i leave and i cant wait to turn that around on the women im going to meet!

26 Days

2008-08-07T05:08:00.000-07:00

God is so good.
I found out that my shots were going to be about $410!
I prayed about it, then I found out that I can just get them in Uganda, for $30 and my malaria medicine for only $4!
I was so excited about this and then I was furious because if it only costs $4 a month for malaria medicine more people should be taking it! I was watching the invisible children dvd with sara and jammers before they left for cali to work with IC and one of the boys on the video was talking about not feeling well, he casually says, "I have malaria, Im not feeling great, Im going to rest, I will be back soon"
WHAT?!
He so casually says, "I have malaria"
People die from malaria everyday!
Its horrible! All it takes is $4 a month to spare someone from this?
I payed $4.03 for a coffee at starbucks last night. Im not trying to make everyone feel bad for living in america or liking coffee or whatever but it think it puts things in perspective a little bit.

I got to meet up with a lovley lady named lisa lastnight, shes amazing! I love how God has been sending me encouragement after encouragement through people. She just found out that her cervical cancer went back into remition, and shes praising GOd like crazy, and she was praising God when it wasnt. She really gets it, this whole its not about us thing, its about GOd and his glory. We had so much in common and we totally got to relate and have great conversation on the way home from biblestudy.

The coolest part of the whole conversation was that Lisa told me that I was a blessing to HER, and some of the girls at the bible study. She said that just because of my age and where Im going and how obviously GOd is working in my life, the girls are inspired. I pray for that so much, that my life and what i do with it would not only point people to God but inspire them to persue him and have the courage to do great things through and in His awsome Name. It was such an encouragement! I have no education (other than HS) I have no plans, no home, no car, no nothing! God uses people like me! He uses the least likley to do great things, and I know he will do great things through me simply because I am willing. Dont get me wrong, Im not trying to solve the whole worlds problems and im not expecting to, but the greatest of all this is love, and thats what i want to do, is love people.

Ive been praying so much about this whole thing with Ian. I miss him so much but I know that its better for us to just not even see or talk to eachother at this point, and it really really sucks. I know that God has done such a cool work in his life, and it wouldnt have been able to happen unless I broke up with him. Unless he was totally shoved out of what was comfortable for him, he wouldnt have so desperatley cried out to GOd to change him, renew him and strengthen him.
I guess this is really what loving someone is like, letting go and giving up what you want in exchange for what the one you love needs. I never thought I would be capable of loving someone so much as to totally give up what I want like this. Yes the relationship wasnt perfect, we had our insecurities that we took out on eachother, we tripped eachother up alot, ect.. but he was still such a huge part of my life, and not having him in it, esspecially right now, before I leave for Uganda, its hard not having him here to encourage me. On the 11th of this month (4 days) it wold have been our three year anniversary....The bible talks about sewing seed, and having a 100 fold harvest. I know that if i alow God to sew the seeds of love in me, it will reap a 100 fold harvest, and my love will not go unused or unapriciated. Please pray for me to stop missing him like this, and that I could throw myself head first into what GOd wants for me, and right now thats for me to be in Uganda with Suubi.

Ive been praying more and more about Colorado, and possibly working for light gives heat. Please pray for guidence on this. I would need a car to move out there, not to worried about a place to stay, GOd has a way of always working that out for me. But, im trying hard not to want to prepare and look too far into the future because I just want what God wants for me, I dont want to make any assumptions and want what I want instead of what he wants.

I leave in 26 days.
WOW.

29 Days

2008-08-04T15:46:00.000-07:00

I have yet to get my shots.
I should get on that....
So this month has been THE most intence month of my life thus far. Recent messy messy brakeup with Ian (still licking my wounds) moving out of the appartment into Saras, working, suubi shows ect.
This whole thing with Ian has really been getting to me. Im coming to the conclusion that perhaps we wont really ever be friends again. Im not sure if its possible, after giving everything of yourself to another person, being in such a deep friendship, having so much of eachothers lives intertwined, im just not sure if its possible. I know that this is what both of us needed, I need to focus on Jesus, esspecially before I leave (in 29 days) and he needs to focus on Jesus too. I know that this is good right now, even though its most definitly the hardest thing ive ever been through.
Im trying to look at it like this though:
I feel like Ian died, really. I mean, hear me out, I know he didnt, but the relationship that we had, its gone. It will never be the same again (unless God tells us otherwise) I will never have the same intimate frienship with Ian ever again, and it totally breaks my heart. I feel like hes gone. These women that Im working with (in 29 days) they are all widows. They have all felt the loss im feeling right now, only worse, Im sure. I dont think I would be able to relate to them on the level that I know I will now, unless this happened with me and Ian. I feel thier pain, of having and then not. One minute things are one way, the next, they are not. One minute he is there to love me, the next, everything has changed. It feels so unfair, and wrong, and horrible. But to be honest, LOVE, its not just something between a boy and a girl or whatever, and I know you all know that. When I think about loving GOd, loving Jesus, Id much rather lavish my love on Him. Id much rather lavish my love on someone who loves me back with a passion that is unmatched untamable and redeeming. I want to love people like that too.
Oh man.
God has been wrestling with me through just about everything, challanging me down to the smallest things, down to how i look at myself in the mirror and what i do when i get out of bed in the morning. I know he is going to change me and im so excited to see what he has in store for me.
Dave mentioned to me working for light gives heat out in colorado. It really looks like GOd is opening doors and lining things up for me to start doing what He wants me to do. Dont get me wrong, It would be nice to go to collage and be sure of myself and be able to make a future for myself, but for me, right now, I know so well that my future really is in GOds hands, because frankly, IM REALLY NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH MY LIFE, other than what hes put infront of me, and thats Suubi.

Please pray for me.
Pray for my heart, to heal, through this whole thing with Ian.
Pray for me to be corageous, not affraid of anything.
Pray for me to be moldable, and humble, willing to learn.
Mostly Pray for me to expirience LOVE the way GOd wants us ALL to expirience.

I know these blogs arent that exciting yet but I dunno, just thought i would update everyone on how im doing.
Thank you so much for caring!

Preperation Pt.1

2008-07-31T14:09:00.000-07:00

SO.
Im nineteen.
I live in my bestfreinds basement.
I work for Greg and Debby Cilia, at thier resteraunt, Gregoirios.
I dont make very much.
Im not in collage.
I dont have a car (although I do have a licence)
I have no plans for my life until now except this:

Im moving to Uganda for three months to work with:
www.lightgivesheat.org

I graduted last year from an average highschool with average grades, average friends and a semi average life. I moved out of my house, and in with my friend Susan and her parents, then she got engaged and I had to move out.....whatever no big deal. So anyway, Im in the average English 101 at the average community collage and God layed something not so average on my heart.
God threw this organization at me, Light Gives Heat. I could go on and on about it but for times sake, go to the website. So this was back in Januray/February. Ive been throwing my heart into this program for the last seven months. Since, my life has been far from average. God has been revealing His heart for His people to me in such amazing ways, it makes me wonder how i could be doing anything else with my life and be close to satisfied.
I board my plane at around 7 pm on tuesday, september 2nd and shortly after Ill be in Entebbe Uganda, on my way to Jinja, where LGH has set up base.
Ill be meeting the most amazing people. Julie, cant wait to meet you!
Ill be doing what God called me to do, way back in January.
Ill be holding babies and sweeping hut floors.
Ill be seeing the gospel lived out instead of in black and white on flimsy gold eged paper.
Ill be learning what LOVE really means, and about Joy and Hope and Resiliance and Beauty and Truth and all that jazz.
Ill be growing.

Ill be updating this alot, before I leave, not sure if anyone is really reading this, but if you are, check it alot, Im quite the chatterbox. Cant say how much or often Ill get to it in Uganda though.
33 days.

cant stinkin wait.